Shadow of Subconsciousness

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

The shadow

I feel like my brain has been divided in half, my right side feels pain and it feels heavy, the left side is the happy and real version of me, but I've been left in the middle ground where everything feels like nothing. I've gone too distant from the left side of me that feels light, the shadow in me has taken the control. On the other hand I'm so full of of emotions but on the other hand I'm empty from everything. In these moments the shadow have separated itself from me, got so powerful that it covers nearly my whole body and not just one part of it. I can feel it in many places inside my body, in my veins and bones. It's heavy, sharp and it tingles, at the worst and/or at the end it also burns.

When I move myself everything tends to work a little slower, like I have some sort of slow motion switch that has been turned on. In some ways it feels dope, but it also pisses me off since I'd like to be able to do things normally. I rationally acknowledge working out / sports in general tend to help the body to feel better, to feel more connected. But at this point my muscles seem to just click from overexertion and I just feel the real urge to get something done, so I drag myself out to the fresh air. At least that's good for your body. 

I find myself feeling exhausted but steps go along. I find myself going back months and years inside my head and thinking about the times that feel similar to the present moment. I wonder do the seeds still grow inside me - how are the things and situations right now, even when I realize almost none of 'em are even really present anymore. But how are they? I try to grab a hold of numerous different songs that are playing through my headphones but I can't seem to reach that far. Would I feel the engine bonnet hitting me at all, or would the inner me just freely fly out in the air?

I keep putting one feet after another, checking the surroundings and making my way back home - safely as always. I keep writing stuff during the day. I keep trying to get a hold of anything in this reality. I feel foggy or my surroundings feel like so. I know the signs, I know this ain't the actual me, and this luckily won't last forever - I'd go mad if it would. At the end all I can do is to wait the shadow to accept itself as part of the mechanism (stop the joking to be the whole mechanism, dry its energy out), and blend back into the bigger picture when I get the full access back, and can fully make myself feel better, even good, again.

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