Shadow of Subconsciousness

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Standing on my own two feet

In a way I've been less online; I've consumed media but I have stood back from speaking myself. I want to take more space to myself and realize where my heart is, and that my home is actually in my heart no matter where I am. I've fully internalized that time is the most valuable thing a person can give to another. In my opinion one of the worst prisons you can put yourself in, is caring about other people's expectations.

I've started to view my body more as a vessel, and I try to keep my vessel (and mind!) healthy by remembering to practice self care in multiple ways, trying to remember that I have more than one sense. I wish to find and practice more of some traditional traditions, such as generally celebrating spring in a good, chill, spirit. I'd really like to learn to appreciate yoga or something similar to it, rather than having the realization that it makes me bored.

I've realized how much like an art clothing can be, it's like a piece of armor that you put on you every single day, to reflect your inner being to the outside world - I'd like to become even better & conscious with that. I've, again, thought more about the planet and everything that's living, and I'd really like to take full responsibility from my actions and learn to make better ones - not just in theory.

I keep seeing dreams about bombings, murder, molesting, the sky falling,.. on the other hand I also see dreams where my needs come true. Sometimes on the morning it takes me a tiny bit of time to fully realize, that I've shifted back to the reality. Boredom must indeed be an illusion.

I've realized that after I graduated and moved out to live on my own, I achieved both of my main goals, and therefore ended up with an empty hand. I think staring and being in a relationship at that point of my life was keeping my inner goals blank. I didn't value inventing new personal ones as much as I should've, and neither did I allow myself to wholeheartedly grow as a person. Living on my own with a degree on my hands was all I ever wanted, it equaled freedom tor me.

I never thought I could write honest blog while I still lived at my parents, and I admit I didn't think how to handle my first official relationship online. I think at the end I overcompensated it, since the case was totally opposite of what it was "previously". I also wrote this blog when I wasn't fine with my gender, and I still used my birth name. And I don't even want to start with the fact that figuring out this unique username took time.

I think now it's the right time that I turn the big chapter; admit that this blog can't never, timeline-wise, hold as much content as my poem site. I want to have a clean start. I have the power to make this environment fully comfortable, and I've decided to take it. I'm going to pull back every blog post that I wrote before I changed the language of this blog into English, so you won't be able to read 'em anymore. I don't need to prove anything to the world, and neither am I ashamed, but I've come to a conclusion that the material in the past ain't the kind I want to reflect to the world - at least in the present tense they were written in.

I want to give a big hug to everyone who has followed me throughout the years, and welcome you to this new chapter. Nothing will particularly change, except that the content will be better than ever before!


  1. Great, you turned the page out of your life. A new person was born. Good luck for the future. The picture is beautiful and personality in it as well. The picture actually told you of all the changes you've experienced.
    All good future fox.

    1. Warm thank you for such a kind words. :)