Shadow of Subconsciousness

Sunday, 30 April 2017


Deep conversation go all the way to the night, my heart feels like it'll burst in half 'cause of all the emotions. I feel like I've been emotionally open, my body receives and feels shivers, energy waves and even is on the edge of tears sometimes just 'cause it can. I've been feeling a lot of myself and my surroundings.

I try to learn that I don't always need to know what I'm doing while I'm doing it, while I'm doing progress with something creative. I want to unlearn the critique and pressure I've learned in the past years. I want to learn how to give more space to art again. I want to learn to listen myself better, to do more self expression in a form of art. I tend to sometimes put this on some sort of break.. I need to get that knot open once again.

For the first time in my life I've been wearing a perfume and actually enjoying it. I've found such a nice unisex smell, a bit of blue and seemingly just right amount of spiciness without it being musty. I feel like I want to smell fresh and have a hint of that mysterious smell on me all the time.

I've been re-watching TV-series from here and there, and just losing my mind into books and to the physical sides of 'em. I hyped one book and read in in couple of days when it finally arrived, and yet I still have one truly interesting masterpiece waiting to be finished.

I've started to paying attention to the fact how much English I really have around me all the time.. I somehow feel anti-Finn in many ways. I sometimes can't even see when I fluctuate to English, I forget that it's not Finnish. I'm consuming English so much sometimes that I forget what's Finnish even like - where do I start, how do I change back? Like Finland in general is just too small place for me. I guess I have that "international vibe"?

Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Standing on my own two feet

In a way I've been less online; I've consumed media but I have stood back from speaking myself. I want to take more space to myself and realize where my heart is, and that my home is actually in my heart no matter where I am. I've fully internalized that time is the most valuable thing a person can give to another. In my opinion one of the worst prisons you can put yourself in, is caring about other people's expectations.

I've started to view my body more as a vessel, and I try to keep my vessel (and mind!) healthy by remembering to practice self care in multiple ways, trying to remember that I have more than one sense. I wish to find and practice more of some traditional traditions, such as generally celebrating spring in a good, chill, spirit. I'd really like to learn to appreciate yoga or something similar to it, rather than having the realization that it makes me bored.

I've realized how much like an art clothing can be, it's like a piece of armor that you put on you every single day, to reflect your inner being to the outside world - I'd like to become even better & conscious with that. I've, again, thought more about the planet and everything that's living, and I'd really like to take full responsibility from my actions and learn to make better ones - not just in theory.

I keep seeing dreams about bombings, murder, molesting, the sky falling,.. on the other hand I also see dreams where my needs come true. Sometimes on the morning it takes me a tiny bit of time to fully realize, that I've shifted back to the reality. Boredom must indeed be an illusion.

I've realized that after I graduated and moved out to live on my own, I achieved both of my main goals, and therefore ended up with an empty hand. I think staring and being in a relationship at that point of my life was keeping my inner goals blank. I didn't value inventing new personal ones as much as I should've, and neither did I allow myself to wholeheartedly grow as a person. Living on my own with a degree on my hands was all I ever wanted, it equaled freedom tor me.

I never thought I could write honest blog while I still lived at my parents, and I admit I didn't think how to handle my first official relationship online. I think at the end I overcompensated it, since the case was totally opposite of what it was "previously". I also wrote this blog when I wasn't fine with my gender, and I still used my birth name. And I don't even want to start with the fact that figuring out this unique username took time.

I think now it's the right time that I turn the big chapter; admit that this blog can't never, timeline-wise, hold as much content as my poem site. I want to have a clean start. I have the power to make this environment fully comfortable, and I've decided to take it. I'm going to pull back every blog post that I wrote before I changed the language of this blog into English, so you won't be able to read 'em anymore. I don't need to prove anything to the world, and neither am I ashamed, but I've come to a conclusion that the material in the past ain't the kind I want to reflect to the world - at least in the present tense they were written in.

I want to give a big hug to everyone who has followed me throughout the years, and welcome you to this new chapter. Nothing will particularly change, except that the content will be better than ever before!

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

What about.. self-care?

Well, I went to physiotherapy for the first time, and I want to tell a little bit about it. First I want to admit that I was skeptic would it help me at all, since so far I've had my own ways and tricks to manage with my wrist - I started to have problems with it back at trade school, and it haven't been the same since.

Side note: I walked to the waiting hall and immediately was strike with a wave like I had walked into kindergarten, since there were two baby strollers and all the posters looked so happy and colorful.. but nope, I was at the right place. And I'd say half of the people that visited there around 9am were tiny kids and the other half adults just like me. Kind of nice to actually notice that these sort of problems really don't care about the age they develop. And the staff of the place was really pleasant, seemed to know how to handle different sort of people.

I went there to simply get everyday help with my wrist, but ended up with so much more deeper knowledge: I got to know that my left leg might be tiny bit taller than my right one. My left shoulder blade (and the shoulder in general) are upper than my right ones, even tho my clavicle (aka collar bones) are balanced. There seems to be something weirdly wrong around my right wrist; I may have native problem with my thumb bone, and I need to learn ways to chill my wrist joint.

About my right shoulder blade.. well, it barely moves at all. I knew that my shoulder area has been stuck basically since I was a child, but I honestly thought that the wrist was the key to everything. Oh, how wrong I was. To put it simple: the physiotherapist explained that the muscle around the bone that connects the shoulder blade is in such a powerful/over exercised shape that it doesn't know how to relax, and the other muscles around it [the shoulder blade] definitely needs to be strengthened since they've become weak/are stuck.

I left the room with elastic therapeutic tape around my wrist, which might (she said that it works with ~50% people) help the blood flow. I must say that it doesn't look like my skin is reacting to it (which apparently happens with some people), but I sense the area + area around it tingles once in awhile, so I believe it actually does something - it even feels kind of pleasant. So it'll stay there for two days. I also got adjustable wrist strap to try, which I can use when I feel like it, but I must start sleeping with it on (to avoid weird positions and just generally to let my wrist relax). I also got told that I'm not allowed to touch my dumbbells until the next appointment, I can exercise my back/stomach and I got to keep doing specific everyday exercises + buy exercise band (also old tights would be fine but who has those) to do stuff with five times a week. Jogging, swimming and those sorts of things are also sweet.

Sssoooo.. This nerd needs to work on some lifestyle changes.

Sunday, 23 April 2017

Sweet weekend

My good friend Sari came to visit. We baked 18 delicious super chocolaty muffins (and of course ate all of 'em!), shopped new coats for both of us (you'll probably see mine in pics in the future), went out for walks, watched cute movie (pssst, watch Billy Elliot) and so many extremely hilarious YouTube videos.. overall just laughed quite much and had some deep conversations here and there. I miss you already.

Monday, 17 April 2017

Disguise everything

Lately I've felt mentally drained.

I see weird dreams. I feel like I keep disappointing people; time passes by and I cough up that I want to keep my independence. Things end up eating me from the inside. I feel like in reality my identity as a whole takes huge space no matter do I want it or not. I need to feel like I exist completely, or I want to be left alone. I wish people would do their research instead of automatically putting me under an examination. I wish people would sincerely believe me, when I say something doesn't work with me as they tend think by default. I still don't understand prying, and I think I never will. Eventually I find myself in the corner of the bed, with a burning head and a hurting heart, while I cry my lungs out, until we both just fall asleep.

Sometimes I feel so many colors at once that the colors lose their meaning.

Sunday, 9 April 2017

Green note

Today have been a good day. I did my deed and voted in the local elections. Saw a friend again, walked around while having casual and good conversations.

Overall this week has passed quite nicely. On wednesday it rained, so I stayed indoors and opened up a chocolate bar that had been waiting me for weeks, and listened the raindrops tingling my window. Gaming far long into the night with such an awesome company.

I've learned to eat even more versatile way, and I've done 5 proper walk/jogging sessions in total. Today the weather was almost surreal: I could just put a long sleeved shirt on, and even left my hat home without freezing my ears at all! The air felt warm. I've started to view my body more as a whole, as a vessel that's truly mine. Trying to fully absorb that fact that others opinions doesn't matter as long as I feel good.  Tummy has also liked the amount of exercise I've put myself through; it has felt more real, more healthy and flat. IBS I'm kicking your ass again!

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

The shadow

I feel like my brain has been divided in half, my right side feels pain and it feels heavy, the left side is the happy and real version of me, but I've been left in the middle ground where everything feels like nothing. I've gone too distant from the left side of me that feels light, the shadow in me has taken the control. On the other hand I'm so full of of emotions but on the other hand I'm empty from everything. In these moments the shadow have separated itself from me, got so powerful that it covers nearly my whole body and not just one part of it. I can feel it in many places inside my body, in my veins and bones. It's heavy, sharp and it tingles, at the worst and/or at the end it also burns.

When I move myself everything tends to work a little slower, like I have some sort of slow motion switch that has been turned on. In some ways it feels dope, but it also pisses me off since I'd like to be able to do things normally. I rationally acknowledge working out / sports in general tend to help the body to feel better, to feel more connected. But at this point my muscles seem to just click from overexertion and I just feel the real urge to get something done, so I drag myself out to the fresh air. At least that's good for your body. 

I find myself feeling exhausted but steps go along. I find myself going back months and years inside my head and thinking about the times that feel similar to the present moment. I wonder do the seeds still grow inside me - how are the things and situations right now, even when I realize almost none of 'em are even really present anymore. But how are they? I try to grab a hold of numerous different songs that are playing through my headphones but I can't seem to reach that far. Would I feel the engine bonnet hitting me at all, or would the inner me just freely fly out in the air?

I keep putting one feet after another, checking the surroundings and making my way back home - safely as always. I keep writing stuff during the day. I keep trying to get a hold of anything in this reality. I feel foggy or my surroundings feel like so. I know the signs, I know this ain't the actual me, and this luckily won't last forever - I'd go mad if it would. At the end all I can do is to wait the shadow to accept itself as part of the mechanism (stop the joking to be the whole mechanism, dry its energy out), and blend back into the bigger picture when I get the full access back, and can fully make myself feel better, even good, again.