Shadow of Subconsciousness

Friday, 17 March 2017

Coming out - thoughts & telling

First of all I want to clarify that I'm changing the course of plans: I'm not writing about my past as part of this "coming out" thing. I simply found it too hard to write about, since it's actually been surprisingly long process (the first signs came up quite early for me and of course continued to manifest throughout time). So I've decided that I'll share more about that in the future instead of now. So this writing is about the present moment and the future.

Shall we begin?

I'm having the feeling when I just acknowledge how connected I really am with my gender. I know that I am not a man nor a woman. I am something completely different.

Non-binary means that, since it's literally an umbrella term for every gender that excists outside the binary of male and female. I acknowledge that I share characteristics with both binary genders, but in reality I'm neither. I may occasionally feel like I'm in the middle - since people usually have a hard time figuring me out. But truly I feel like I'm something completely different, which is usually a little bit more harder to wrap hands around as a concept. My gender is third gender, which as a whole is something completely different than being "in between" something. And as a wish for the future I'd love to get 'X' marker in my passport.

At the moment I'm quite strictly chosen to be non-op trans person. Non-op basically means that I've chosen not to undergo sex reassignment surgeries (= genital surgeries) or any surgery that adjusts my other physical sex characteristics (aka boobs, in my case top surgery). I have several personal reasons why I feel like flattening my chest wouldn't be worth of the operation, even when I wish that I didn't have boobs in the first place. But luckily they're small, so they don't bring me unbearable dysphoria. With my genital area I'm completely fine, even happy, with. I just strongly dislike the fact that I have uterus, since let's be real I'll never do anything with it and so on.

Usually trans (= person whose gender differs from the one they were assigned at birth) people socially transition no matter do they transition physically or not, and this is also something I've been doing. So what does socially transitioning mean..?
  • Use of a different name.
  • Use of different pronouns.
  • Surface transformations of the physical appearance.
  • Use of a different bathroom.
  • General differences in social roles.

I've already changed my name online several months ago, and also most of my friends have been referring to me this way, and from the very beginning it've felt really good. It'll pretty much happen that I'm going to change it legally before autumn. Never ever my old name after that.

Pronouns.. Well, with English that's a thing. They/them is a thing.

I'll try to figure out what's authentically me. With clothing: without caring about "womens" or "mens". I'll start to wear what ever I want to more freely than I've done in the past. Most likely that means that I'm going to buy a bit more clothing from the "mens section" since I don't have many, yet. Just to even it out a little bit more, if I find cool ones of course. There so should be more unisex stores tho, since those clothes are sooo comfy.

I understand that public bathrooms affect FTM and MTF people more than non-binary people (since for them it's more likely much more crucial to be able to use the bathroom that suits their gender), but using gendered bathrooms might still bring us discomfort. I personally prefer gender neutral bathrooms.

I think I've tried to get away from most of gendered roles that has been put on me from an early age without always even realizing. Now when I do realize, I can take more control of the situations and push myself out of the roles I really don't want to be in. Also what I want to be referred as a sibling, as a partner.. as anything. These are just examples, this social role thing goes far!

The point of me telling about this to the world in general ain't that everyone understands 100% what I'm saying (at least right away), but you can still accept something without fully knowing what it's about. You accept cis people's genders all the time without questioning 'em, without even thinking about questioning 'em, so I'm only asking for you to do the same for me. I'm asking you to respect my identity. I'm not trying to be "a special snowflake". I'm just being me, which sometimes seems to be a bit challenging in this world, especially when you're part of a minority.

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