Shadow of Subconsciousness

Friday, 3 February 2017

Coming out - trans*

Hey, my name is Kettu and I'm transgender - more specifically non-binary.

I know I've "been out" as transgender on the internet for some time now, probably ~2 years. I've tweeted about this couple of times and my tumblr has lots of transgender stuff rolling around all the time. I've put the word 'transgender' in my "the alphabet of my life" blog post, written tiny bit about my gender-dysphoria and done The Gender Tag (all of these blog things in Finnish). But I haven't properly raised this topic on the table in general. So hi, hello, here I am. I'm trans.

In all honesty what made me want to do this post just now? Well, I guess I hadn't been fully okay with myself earlier. I guess many (not all, but definitely most) people experiences thoughts like "am I really..?", "if I am, shit some people might take this really badly"... and stuff like that, which aren't easy at all. It's like you try to repress the "weird" side of yourself, and still try to fit into the norms of society just for the sake of not having to deal with the stuff that comes with it, and even not wanting to putting the people close to you go through the changes. And even in some level watching some people walking away 'cause of the way you really are.

But everything just makes sense now, since I've done hours and hours, days and weeks of research in hours. Might be even months. I've listened other people talk about this same thing, questioning your trans identity, and how they started the questioning it in the first place. I've nearly become obsessed with LGBTQIA+ stuff. I love reading about online and in books, watching videos about the topics.. I think this is quite common for people who finally are okay with themselves. Most likely if you actually start to question things like this and they keep rolling back in no matter what you do, you have something going on. And by this something I mean that you probably aren't the famous cisgender after all. Or even cishet in general. But I could do separate post(s) about me dealing with my sexuality, so let's not focus on that right now, since sexuality and gender are two different things.

On a second note I'm extremely tired of all the things I've been hearing while and after I did my own soul searching (so do speak). I've come a cross people who have been shocked about the fact how I could give up my breasts at any second if I could make it happen just by snapping my fingers. To which they said that they're going to pretend they didn't hear me say that (just 'cause woman removing their breasts is totally weird - who wouldn't LOVE breasts?! that's just brutal. what would your partner think?). I've tried to explain my gender and had the other literally answer "okay, I'm a meatball then". I've heard it multiple times that at the end I'm still going to be a woman in someone's mind.  That they're not going to respect my thinking - my actual realization of myself. Like they somehow know me better, what's good for me and all that jazz. And I'm not going to take that bullshit in any longer. I'm living my life for myself. And you know what? I'm also looking the way I do just for myself. Shocker!

And just for the sake of not rambling about this so much all at once, text pile after text pile, I'm going to break this "coming out" into two more sections: my past, the signs that something was up and how did I ended up realizing my gender & the present/future, what's going on now, and what I'm about to do with this fact in the future.

And as we are at the end of this post, I want to clarify that please, don't call me woman anymore. I prefer they/them pronouns over she/her. At the end I'm not really even changing. This is the person who I've always been, but I just didn't realize and/or fully admit it (and therefore acted like it). I don't want to repress any side of me anymore. This is the real me, and I'm not afraid anymore.

Stay tuned for the part 2 (past) and 3 (present/future).

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