Shadow of Subconsciousness

Monday, 27 February 2017

Claw the wellness

Almost forgot to share that I was watching A Cure for Wellness on last monday with my brother. I'm still kind "shocked" (positively surprised..?) that the movie had Augen Auf playing on the background in one scene.. You can easily guess where my focus went right at the very second I heard it. I just never thought I'd hear OOMPH! playing in a cinema! And the song even fits into the movie quite nicely! Such a positive surprise. The movie itself was quite good, even tho I felt extremely disgusted in one particular scene.. actually in several, but one stung my quite hard. A Cure for Wellness must be one of those movies that is quite stunning when you see it for the first time, beautifully built. Like a puzzle that reveals itself only quite at the end.

I also ordered this absolutely beautiful tote bag (+ sticker) from FLAVNT Streetwear, which came last friday. It took only 13 days to arrive all the way from Texas! :

Last weekend went quite nicely. The PS2 memory card has worked without problems and we completed the Sly 3: Honor Among Thieves. I guess we're still going to finish the second as well, even tho we got quite far in one day (playing without memory card) - but we want to feel the ending! So got to start that over. We also watched couple movies, including The Lost Boys that was a positive surprise. We also greed with The Corpse Bride's songs.

Today I've just watched couple of TV-serie episodes, done shoulder workout, cooked some food with salad, listened one more podcast (since the beginning.. good podcasts!), listened a lot of music and chatted with friends. I'll probably watch some more episodes and/or read later, try to write more. Things like that.

Tomorrow I got to deal with some things, but before that I'm going to go for a walk with a friend. After those.. not sure yet. I'm going to go with the flow.

Everyday life.

And next weekends plan is pretty much chilling and going to watch this:

Friday, 24 February 2017


My mind feels like an open wave, which is in the middle of social swirl. Nothing wrong with this, I somehow even feel very much at home.

I had quite busy one week, and my socializing is still continuing. I had a friend over, and after he left I also left to visit my brother, parents and even saw grandma. I had one night alone time in between the friend and relatives "swap", and now I had the same but opposite; I came home just before 10pm and around/after 3pm I'm getting the friend back here. Right now I'm planning workout and shower, since my tummy haven't felt the best lately, so I thought I could make myself feel physically better in the meantime.

Also! Before last weekend (thursday - friday night around 1am to be precise) I cut the side of my hair (more) in the way that I have never done before. Now I feel much better, almost like I'm born again. You can't see it at all in that picture if you don't know what you're looking for, but I might post an actual hair thingy later. It's sneaky, and I quite like it. I feel like I have nothing on my left side to be honest. It's a tiny bit viking like.

But now I got to keep going. My hair must be dry in 4 hours, and I still have stuff to dooo~~

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

The little things

I haven't talked much about the place that I live in, my sweet sweet studio apartment. I don't feel comfortable sharing pictures that give the overall picture of it, since this is pretty much my safe haven, place to tune off from the internet and from other people. Many serious topics have been buzzing around my head (I'll write the next parts of my coming out with time), but I just felt like writing about something more casual, so here's this.

Over a month ago I transformed my bed to look more like a sofa in occasions that I need it to function as a sofa (the pics above: from a bed to a sofa). I can tell you that it's extremely comfortable. I also found more old magazines about my favorite band, which to be honest as I teen I thought I'd never get to own, and I put the one that already owned + new ones in a big frame; favorites more visible. I can't believe I actually own the thing! It's so cool:

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

You know, it's okay

I find myself thinking about life. I find myself thinking about how much I've grown every year. How much more I know the world now, how freely I can breath. Right now I could honestly say that I am happy.

I have people to talk to. I knew I had to zone out couple of my social media sites, but that's okay - if one needs that, one does that. I have couple of people who I can rely on, who I feel like I talk about anything with. Couple of people who I can be as close as I need to be. They're important.

I've found myself fascinated about things again. I don't try to modify myself to be anything other than I am. I'm actually quite happy about the thing that my stomach did on the late summer/early autumn, after that I've been able to gain stuff back better, not only physically but I enjoy the change that happened mentally, too. Neither was on my control, at least I don't think they should have been. I think my life would've lost it's meaning if I'd have interrupted.

I might not be in the best place with power, world wise, but I'm still proud of myself in this smaller bubble that I've created and sometimes open to the wider world. Heck, I don't feel the pressure to be any feminine than I am anymore. That's a huge thing. I am me again, but now I'm it more truly than ever before. More about that later.

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

The sweet Sly bunker

Heya. I had such an amazing weekend! The friend came to visit and we indeed built the long-awaited "Sly bunker". We didn't even leave the house on saturday, and on sunday just went to buy more food. It feels like we barely slept at all, the first night in particular was pretty interesting since 2 hours might be my new record. I admit I suddenly fell asleep on the next day's evening for 30 minutes.. the tiredness attack was real! But after that I again was not sleepy, so, it did the trick.

I don't have any pictures from the weekend, since we really just.. played Sly literally almost all the time. Well, we also watched couple of horror movies. Also slapped couple of card games just for the fun of it, and I had weirdly good luck. ..He's coming to visit again, quite soon even, so I'll probably write more about that. Also gotta try to take couple of pictures! I even ordered proper memory card for PS2, so we don't have to (try to) play nonstop all the way through the games this time.

Overall: extremely nice weekend, looking forward to the next one(s)!

Friday, 3 February 2017

Coming out - trans*

Hey, my name is Kettu and I'm transgender - more specifically non-binary.

I know I've "been out" as transgender on the internet for some time now, probably ~2 years. I've tweeted about this couple of times and my tumblr has lots of transgender stuff rolling around all the time. I've put the word 'transgender' in my "the alphabet of my life" blog post, written tiny bit about my gender-dysphoria and done The Gender Tag (all of these blog things in Finnish). But I haven't properly raised this topic on the table in general. So hi, hello, here I am. I'm trans.

In all honesty what made me want to do this post just now? Well, I guess I hadn't been fully okay with myself earlier. I guess many (not all, but definitely most) people experiences thoughts like "am I really..?", "if I am, shit some people might take this really badly"... and stuff like that, which aren't easy at all. It's like you try to repress the "weird" side of yourself, and still try to fit into the norms of society just for the sake of not having to deal with the stuff that comes with it, and even not wanting to putting the people close to you go through the changes. And even in some level watching some people walking away 'cause of the way you really are.

But everything just makes sense now, since I've done hours and hours, days and weeks of research in hours. Might be even months. I've listened other people talk about this same thing, questioning your trans identity, and how they started the questioning it in the first place. I've nearly become obsessed with LGBTQIA+ stuff. I love reading about online and in books, watching videos about the topics.. I think this is quite common for people who finally are okay with themselves. Most likely if you actually start to question things like this and they keep rolling back in no matter what you do, you have something going on. And by this something I mean that you probably aren't the famous cisgender after all. Or even cishet in general. But I could do separate post(s) about me dealing with my sexuality, so let's not focus on that right now, since sexuality and gender are two different things.

On a second note I'm extremely tired of all the things I've been hearing while and after I did my own soul searching (so do speak). I've come a cross people who have been shocked about the fact how I could give up my breasts at any second if I could make it happen just by snapping my fingers. To which they said that they're going to pretend they didn't hear me say that (just 'cause woman removing their breasts is totally weird - who wouldn't LOVE breasts?! that's just brutal. what would your partner think?). I've tried to explain my gender and had the other literally answer "okay, I'm a meatball then". I've heard it multiple times that at the end I'm still going to be a woman in someone's mind.  That they're not going to respect my thinking - my actual realization of myself. Like they somehow know me better, what's good for me and all that jazz. And I'm not going to take that bullshit in any longer. I'm living my life for myself. And you know what? I'm also looking the way I do just for myself. Shocker!

And just for the sake of not rambling about this so much all at once, text pile after text pile, I'm going to break this "coming out" into two more sections: my past, the signs that something was up and how did I ended up realizing my gender & the present/future, what's going on now, and what I'm about to do with this fact in the future.

And as we are at the end of this post, I want to clarify that please, don't call me woman anymore. I prefer they/them pronouns over she/her. At the end I'm not really even changing. This is the person who I've always been, but I just didn't realize and/or fully admit it (and therefore acted like it). I don't want to repress any side of me anymore. This is the real me, and I'm not afraid anymore.

Stay tuned for the part 2 (past) and 3 (present/future).