Shadow of Subconsciousness

Tuesday, 31 January 2017


I've talked about death, shared stories, laughed and cuddled. I've had multiple conversations about sexual experiences and how people view gender. I think that with time I always realize more and more about my past and present, and maybe what's the most important; what I want from my future. What I know to avoid. What's actually been bad for me and what's good. How to be better, evolve.

In the past month I have wanted to be alone more than ever in a long time. I still love it that I can reach to someone at any second if I need to, or I just want to. I've became extremely bored with talking about physical things, like new cameras or stuff to purchase. Why can't we talk more about (perhaps our own or any other) stories or art or something? I also try to focus more on things that I actually want to focus on, not to things that I feel like I should focus on. I may come out as rude to others, but I think now I just mirror the negative feelings I'd otherwise feel myself, to away - not just repress them silently. In my opinion and with a long journey in mind this is necessary and needed step for me to take right now.

Mind motion

I think about the colors
that my minds rotates and generates
the shapes and motions
instead of clear images

I think about all the pain that I've felt
and don't know would it be even scarier
if it actually allows us to feel happy emotions more strongly

Have you ever wondered why your body warms itself
when you cry?

A poem that I wrote in English.

Friday, 27 January 2017

One two, one two... sound check

On tuesday I travelled to Helsinki, which I had been missing quite deeply (it's a city + I bet that the air smells different on the coast or something). Me and brother went to hunt a gaming headset for me, and luckily brother is quite patience since I wanted to try almost every single one of 'em twice or something.. No matter the price, I brought HyperX Cloud Stinger ones, they felt the most comfortable to wear on my weirdly small head. I can recommend 'em, aren't expensive either. After that we went to the cinema to watch Split, which was really good if you don't count the oldster's naive moment.

After the day spent in Helsinki, brother came to visit me (which he hadn't done in months since I always had a reason to travel there.. oops me!). We played a lot of Streets of Rage games and other games, too, watched couple of movies and TV-serie episodes. Also on wednesday a tiny miracle happened which I think I fully haven't realised yet.. I got a second W.A.S.P. ticket, I'm going to see 'em again! I think I'm going to burst or something.

Today has been mysteriously foggy. Brother left, and I've just been relaxing at home for the rest of the day. I'm waiting that a week passes by, 'cause then I get to build a raccoon bunker (aka play Sly games) with a friend. But on the other hand I'm just going to spend an awesome week before that, chatting, watching series, working out/stretching.. And I'm almost weirdly excited that I finally decided to get a vacuum cleaner. It works like a charm. I tend to postpone certain things, probably without any reasonable reason (I just don't feeeel like it). Now I feel like my life has jumped to the next level, which I was ready to achieve. What "adult".

Friday, 20 January 2017


I say I'm modest, yet I find myself wondering will anything ever be good enough for me. I want to think that spending money to experiences is better than spending it on "things", but yet I'm too scared to test my own wings. I'm trying to get rid of stuff that I don't need, but no one has ever taught me how to - where do I take them? I want to learn to truly appreciate that things actually wear out while they help us, 'cause after all I think that's truly beautiful, and stop worrying how it's not going to be "like new" forever. I want to let go of my childhood and teenage years, and properly step into my adulthood and current state of mind, without anything in the past interrupting the flow of my thoughts. I want to acknowledge it into my gut that the universe has space for me to feel and think like my soul says, that there's no hurry to absolutely anywhere.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Icy water, or is it?

Walkin' around with my over sized combat boots, while wearing a leather jacket that gives a hint that I'm a nerd. That's what my everyday life has become. I feel like I've been talking so much English lately, since I found cool person found me on the internet. His name is Milo, and I know it's an old joke, but I still told him that his name reminds me of Atlantis. I thought that I didn't write much, but I've been writing quite many poem pieces in the past couple of days. I'm trying to breath more. I quit couple of social media sites that weren't so important for me. I almost binge watched The Magician which was aaawesome! Oh, and I achieved this.. thing. Looks pretty cool, huh? I like it! (Dead by Daylight, surprise):

Btw, if you do have problems with your eyes or just wish to find something simple to ease the blue light that's coming from your PC sceen(s), try f.lux. I tried it back in the end of my junior high, but I didn't give myself even nearly enough time to get used to it before I freaked out - now it feels like a miracle.

Monday, 9 January 2017


1. Tell the best memories of this year?
I had my first ever (relationship) one year anniversary, and our trip to Suomenlinna was pretty nice overall. Even now when the relationship itself is over, I still liked that day a lot. I visited Ropecon for the 3rd time this year. I also hit one year living alone anniversary! I got to see Pain live on 19th November, which couldn't have been more awesome.

2. Have you gotten any tattoos/piercings during the past year?

3. Did anyone close to you die?

4. Who was the coolest new person that you met?
I guess it would be Topi, I'm really looking forward to meeting him. We're going to built a bunker and play Sly together!

5. Which countries did you visit?

6. What would you like to achieve in 2017 that you didn't do in 2016?
Last year I said I wanted to find my motivation in blogging, which I gladly did. This year I'd really like to try to film some bloody videos! I seem to talk and talk about it but never actually do - and I mean some proper ones.

7. New dish/food that you figured out was good?
Italian stew? I started to eat proper bananas with my yogurt, lettuce leaf and stuff like that. In general I had to learn how to eat in a new way that's good with IBS (and for such a picky eater like me it wasn't an easy task).

8. ...what about sweet?
I think I might have fallen in love with a gluten free mud cake.

9. The biggest achievement of the year?
I built myself again. I even got proper good papers from my working experience, even tho at some points it got quite mentally challenging, but I pushed it through the crap.

10. The word of the year
'sneaky' or 'hngh' (<- just for you Juho :D)

11. What's the best thing you bought?
A gig ticket! PS4 and a telly? Every bus ticket (and there were many!).

12. What got you the most excited?
I waited the gig a bit over half a year (that's long)! Also traveling around Finland in general got me really excited every time.

13. Compared to this time around last year, are you now happier or sadder?
In a way I might be even happier.

14. Thoughts when you look into a mirror?
That's really me - don't see anyone else like that around. You're strong and unique.

15. What's your finances like?
I found out that I'm really good at saving money, so I don't know what I'm actually supposed to do with it. My everyday spendins are quite small!

16. What you wish you'd done more?
Again, I would've liked to visit abroad on top of the bus travelling.

17. about less?

18. How did you spend your Christmas?
At brother's, playing games and eating properly. Also we visited our parents at 25th and went to the cinema!

19. Did you fall in love in 2016?
In a way: yes, multiple times. Relationship wise: no, luckily.

20. What was the most pleasant TV-serie that you watched?

21. What was the best book that you read?
If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo

Markus Pylkkänen

22. ...the best discovery in the world of music?

23. albums?
Coming Home by Pain, Nevermore (EP) by Art of Dying, Halloway (EP) by Tessa Violet

24. Best game?
I have to say I thought I'd say Civilization 6 but Dead by Daylight hit me by surprise. Also Mother Russia Bleeds was pretty cool, so shout out!

25. What was your favorite movie of the year?
Definately X-Men Apocalypse, it's such a beautiful movie. I've watched it (only) three times so far, and I still have no idea how I should stay still in some parts; I get shivers and over excited how brilliant it is.

26. What did you do on your birthday?
Went to work and had a headache day if I remember right. Celebrated a bit on the weekend tho.

27. Tell a life lessons which you've learnt this year.
"You can get lost for so long that you forget what it's like to be yourself."

28. Lyrics for the year?
"I have been scarred, I have been chained
I've been alone with the darkness
I've been the freak, I've felt the pain
But I won't be shattered by all this hate
No I'm not afraid

29. How do you spend the upcoming night (New Year's)?
As you can probably tell, I'm writing this a bit late. Anyway: I was having quite bad neck pains on 31st and 1th day, that I couldn't even see properly at some moments, so I just stayed indoors most of the time and tried to do pretty much anything proper. Went out 4 minutes before the moment to see some fireworks with a friend tho, which was really nice.

30. Describe the past year in three words
Full independence, kickass.

Saturday, 7 January 2017

The old me?

Year 2017 hit the ground and I felt huge urge to go and visit my trade school time friend, whom I hadn't seen since. I twisted my sleeping around in two days from going to sleep 6am to waking up on that time - chameleon skills! I have to be honest with you that the weather forecast scared me a little bit, 'cause I'd had hopes up that I'd have time to visit the place before it actually gets wintery.. but yeah, well, my luck, Joensuu went cold just for me (I brought the coldness with me! -jokes):

On 3rd day of January slept roughly around 4½ hours before waking up, just 'cause I had overslept so much in the past days. So I was completely fine after all. Time to hit it!

It was pretty interesting to watch the nature wake up, and when I travelled back yesterday I got to see it going to sleep. The 4hours and 40minutes of travelling per way didn't even feel like a long time, I spent the majority of my time by listening to music and chatting, and when I needed a break from music I continued reading Kate Bornstein's memoir.

And after telling you the forecast scared me, it wasn't as cold as I expected, and not even sure why I was scared - I did just fine with my leather jacket. Also got to really experience wintery weather this winter!

I don't have much to tell about the trip, we re-watched Deadpool on the first night, played a bit PS3 and then also watched Forrest Gump on the last, 'cause I shockingly hadn't seen it before. And luckily his cat didn't tear me apart; in matter of fact she was pretty cute. Also my allergy didn't kick my butt in the worst possible way, so win win in both ways.

And about my sleeping shcedule (which I really don't have, but what else do people call it?).. I slept pretty normally at friend's place, woke up 9-11am everyday and so on. And now I couldn't sleep before 6am and woke up ~4.30pm..?! Didn't dare to wake up before 11am 'cause I knew I'd get barely 5hours, so continued and then was shocked that my clock (which is 12-hour clock) looked the same when I started to roll in my bed - just had the afternoon dot on. Sooo.. I may have to start using alarm again that I don't start sleeping all too weird. I want to see a bit daylight when I wake up, thank you. But anyway, home sweet home. Not a bad way to start a year: travelling.