Shadow of Subconsciousness

Saturday, 31 December 2016


When I still used makeup foundation half of the time, my crush at the time (+2 years ago) would ask me if I was tired every time he saw me without makeup. In my mind I hit my head against the wall and wondered doesn't he really see the real me - can the society be that easily tricked? After time passed by, I started to grow into my acne in a new level, even the redness on my pale skin didn't bother me anymore. I realized that in some weird way I categorize acne (stereotypically) "masculine".. So why cover it up? Besides if someone stares it more than my actual face, it's not my problem. At the end of the day, makeup foundation always felt like it dried my face even though it felt like a jar of butter at the same time, which just made me feel tired after hours of carrying it around. It wasn't worth of the effort anymore, to look just a bit more awake (to hide the dark circles under my eyes.. on pale skin it's kind of unavoidable at least when you stare screens as much as I do + sleep randomly). Nowadays I only use a bit of eye brow pencil when I feel active (sometimes),  eye liner in a pencil form (that my eyes doesn't start to burn, rarely, when I want my war paint on) and a cover up stick on top of my acne (~once in 2 months).

I know that even some men have hips (surprise!), so I shouldn't feel so conscious about mine, since I can even mold myself look quite gender-neutral without putting much effort into it. Well, my hair is stereotypically a big bloomer, but I try not to let that fact bother my inner feeling. With my stomach I know it does an awesome job processing food and keeping my organs in. Although IBS have made it feel/look more buffed on some days, I try my very best to accept it as the way it is. I honestly love the feeling when I get up on the morning realize it's completely flat - I still know it's under there, no matter how much it may hurt after I've eaten. I've strongly started to connect uncomfortable tummy feelings with pain and sadness, but luckily with that daily reminder I'm doing much better.

I guess it all comes down to my boobs. Yes, breast tissue, mostly the main dysphoric bodypart of a DFAB trans* individual. Luckily I have quite small boobs after all. You don't want to imagine the fear I had as an early teenager when I knew I'd get these (A cup, barely) from my dads side or D cup from moms side - luckily I got the first one, which I kept most likely anyway 'cause I look so much like my dad. As a non-binary, I think I can handle my dysphoria in most days now, but I still get it sometimes. I felt such a freedom when I piled all my bras that I've ever gotten (you'd be surprised by how few I actually had purchased during these years) from the back of my cabined and just got rid of them couple of months back. Now I only have one "half bra" for running - normally I use nothing or like "a top piece" under my shirt that my nipples don't shine through. I admit that I'd still be happy if I'd just wake up someday with a completely flat chest.

I'm so tired of society and it's norms of beauty. I want to be able to love my own body and with hand in hand also myself. Have to say, it's been a weird journey to realize it again that I'm actually more confident with myself when I'm not in a relationship. I guess in comparison I have more time to be alone with myself, and in that way kind of gain the comfort.

I try to do some working out to feel a bit more balanced with my shoulder area, and to feel good in general. I know my nerdy side ain't going anywhere, and I will be sitting in front of screens many hours a day. I know that from my varying eye pains that I get sometimes, the pain actually pushed me to start walking/running at the first year of trade school. It's really important to also do something else for the sake of some sort of balance. I also got tendon sheath inflammation to my right (mouse) arm later.. so yeah, now I know.

I want to learn to trust my body more. I want to learn not to get panicky so easily. I know I can trust my body quite much - but I also want to learn the boundaries and in which ways I can help it to feel better. Help myself feel better. I want to be thankful for my health even when I know it's not perfect anymore. My body still carries me everywhere and is very dear to me. No one should be especially hard on themselves. Why do we set boundaries so high to yourselves, and yet not for others?

How do you feel about your body right now?

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