Shadow of Subconsciousness

Saturday, 31 December 2016


When I still used makeup foundation half of the time, my crush at the time (+2 years ago) would ask me if I was tired every time he saw me without makeup. In my mind I hit my head against the wall and wondered doesn't he really see the real me - can the society be that easily tricked? After time passed by, I started to grow into my acne in a new level, even the redness on my pale skin didn't bother me anymore. I realized that in some weird way I categorize acne (stereotypically) "masculine".. So why cover it up? Besides if someone stares it more than my actual face, it's not my problem. At the end of the day, makeup foundation always felt like it dried my face even though it felt like a jar of butter at the same time, which just made me feel tired after hours of carrying it around. It wasn't worth of the effort anymore, to look just a bit more awake (to hide the dark circles under my eyes.. on pale skin it's kind of unavoidable at least when you stare screens as much as I do + sleep randomly). Nowadays I only use a bit of eye brow pencil when I feel active (sometimes),  eye liner in a pencil form (that my eyes doesn't start to burn, rarely, when I want my war paint on) and a cover up stick on top of my acne (~once in 2 months).

I know that even some men have hips (surprise!), so I shouldn't feel so conscious about mine, since I can even mold myself look quite gender-neutral without putting much effort into it. Well, my hair is stereotypically a big bloomer, but I try not to let that fact bother my inner feeling. With my stomach I know it does an awesome job processing food and keeping my organs in. Although IBS have made it feel/look more buffed on some days, I try my very best to accept it as the way it is. I honestly love the feeling when I get up on the morning realize it's completely flat - I still know it's under there, no matter how much it may hurt after I've eaten. I've strongly started to connect uncomfortable tummy feelings with pain and sadness, but luckily with that daily reminder I'm doing much better.

I guess it all comes down to my boobs. Yes, breast tissue, mostly the main dysphoric bodypart of a DFAB trans* individual. Luckily I have quite small boobs after all. You don't want to imagine the fear I had as an early teenager when I knew I'd get these (A cup, barely) from my dads side or D cup from moms side - luckily I got the first one, which I kept most likely anyway 'cause I look so much like my dad. As a non-binary, I think I can handle my dysphoria in most days now, but I still get it sometimes. I felt such a freedom when I piled all my bras that I've ever gotten (you'd be surprised by how few I actually had purchased during these years) from the back of my cabined and just got rid of them couple of months back. Now I only have one "half bra" for running - normally I use nothing or like "a top piece" under my shirt that my nipples don't shine through. I admit that I'd still be happy if I'd just wake up someday with a completely flat chest.

I'm so tired of society and it's norms of beauty. I want to be able to love my own body and with hand in hand also myself. Have to say, it's been a weird journey to realize it again that I'm actually more confident with myself when I'm not in a relationship. I guess in comparison I have more time to be alone with myself, and in that way kind of gain the comfort.

I try to do some working out to feel a bit more balanced with my shoulder area, and to feel good in general. I know my nerdy side ain't going anywhere, and I will be sitting in front of screens many hours a day. I know that from my varying eye pains that I get sometimes, the pain actually pushed me to start walking/running at the first year of trade school. It's really important to also do something else for the sake of some sort of balance. I also got tendon sheath inflammation to my right (mouse) arm later.. so yeah, now I know.

I want to learn to trust my body more. I want to learn not to get panicky so easily. I know I can trust my body quite much - but I also want to learn the boundaries and in which ways I can help it to feel better. Help myself feel better. I want to be thankful for my health even when I know it's not perfect anymore. My body still carries me everywhere and is very dear to me. No one should be especially hard on themselves. Why do we set boundaries so high to yourselves, and yet not for others?

How do you feel about your body right now?

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Christmas 2016

haircut, done

Christmas went by, I had a pleasant time at brother's from 22th to 26th, we visited parent's 25th and went to watch Passengers after (the movie has one big secret which I did not expect, but after acknowledging that it was pretty predictable - amazingly fascinating but quite unpleasant to watch after all). We also played this veeery Christmasy game (the color scheme is so red so why not) called Mother Russia Bleeds (shares game mechanics with SEGA's Streets of Rage which is huge classic for me!). And of course a lot of Dead by Daylight, tried out the 10th Dominion expansion that brother got for me as a present and of course ate a lot of salmon and chocolate, even baked mince pies with flaky pastry and strawberry marmalade to fit my diet (IBS). Aand tried out a gluten free mud cake which ended up being way better than the usual!

 Thank you brother for the amazing Christmas.

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Flour and lots of letters

Hey world. I've done some changes into this blog, again, and now it actually feels like complete! I added ✏ Questbook back, it can be found on the top right corner of this page (on the white area!) if you wish to write something there. There's hardened logo of my poem site on the corner of the newest poem section (in exchange of this blog's dots), the Follow section looks a whole new level different and more or less teeny tiny things like that. Oh, and there's a cool thing under the main title (aka blog name), try and hover over it - it's translation and blog's main description at the same time. ;) Right now my ideas seem to be totally over, so I could pronounce this as somewhat ready! Ah, homey and cozy, ready for the upcoming year(s)!

I haven't posted a poem for like ~two weeks and that time seems like an eternity, but like a holiday, also. A nice holiday. I've been talking to one interesting and seemly nice fella to Stockholm three days now, and I translated couple of poems for him, since he couldn't read the weird Finnish I speak. I thought I'd also share one of 'em here right now:
In the Air

What if I'd press my nails through my palms
would try to breathe with the fishes
suppressed my mind
I'd pile the remains for a new
better version of myself

The accordion gets compressed together
the air escapes from the everyday as the last chord
of the rhythm of life

A black hole swallows us all
corrodes the contaminates of the exterior
with the first breath of the morning
we are all present again

(original: Ilmassa)

My dear friend Sari visited from friday to tuesday; we filmed the Most Likely To Tag once, but, eh, I don't think it's ever going to get published.. Sorry! We watched seven movies (including The Danish Girl which told the tale of a transgender woman!), tho. And baked muffins by using spelt floar instead of wheat flour that even I could eat them. And to be fair the flour was so soft and didn't taste weird at all in a muffin - the muffins ended up being absolutely delicious! Had a lovely time altogether.

I'm going to slide off from this blog again, end this writing here. I hope you like all the changes I've done, enjoyed the poem at least a little bit and hoped you could smell that delicious muffin.

Until next time, take care!

Friday, 9 December 2016

Howling winter

I haven't posted much about the "everyday life" of mine for a while. While writing about the gig I decided to write just about it, and afterwards totally forgot to write a post about the time surrounding it - the time I spend at brother's. My life ain't adventurous everyday, and that's why I tend not to write about every single day. But that doesn't mean I ain't doing anything. Being on PC or gaming, casually seeing a friend, working out or suchs.. what would I always tell about it all? Write every single conversation down? Review or every single thing that I watch or consume in general? I think then this blog would explode.

I think even tho I'm open for things being shared on the internet, and I tend to write openly.. But I never could keep track on everything I do - I'll always have life outside the virtual world. I sometimes even craving for it, I feel like I do too many things virtually. No matter how much things I want to share, you're never going to get it all. I hope these fragments are going to be enough for me and whoever wants to be part of this journey. I humbly welcome you.

This winter is going too fast, or at least I'm taking it in too slow. I haven't felt like sending Christmas cards this year, since at the end of the day I'm not such a big fan of this holiday. Yeap, deep down I'm one of those lame atheists. Besides, it comes after Halloween.. who wants to take those decorations down and change 'em to something colorful?

For me Christmas has always been a day or two spent surrounded by people who are close to me. When I lived at parent's, it was always Christmas with family. When big brother moved out, it was a day at home and day at his. Last Christmas my ex insisted that I spend the Christmas with him and his family - ended up being weird (for me) and I visited "home" (brother + parents) on the 27th and came back on the 31st (I always dreamed that when I move out, I want to spend the first New Years at my own place). I'm spending this Christmas entirely with my brother and we visit parents on 24th. Feeling good about the current plan.

Yeah.. What was I supposed to write when I opened this? Working out, gaming, internet, walks with friends, jamming with music, pizza making.. that's what I've been up to lately. And if someone notices tiny blog changes, I raise my hat for you!

Have a great weekend everyone. x

Picture explanation: 1. duck army, 2. my only  proper "Christmas decoration",
3. Lahti at night, 4. right side of my face + acne,
5. & 6. introducing you to my travel bag in more detail (bag itself introduced in July), 7. just laying

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Christmas moon day @Helsinki

Me and my brother decided to continue our "Christmas shopping tradition" this year. But we decided to start it with Fantastic Beasts! I saw the trailer when I visited cinema last time and got excited, but honestly didn't look anything up since. Well, it's kinda good, 'cause I didn't get to repeat the shit out of it and know all the lines from the (trailer) clips before even seeing the actual movie. I hoped the movie is going to be good.. And it was absolutely brilliant! Totally surprised me how good it actually was. I had a weird feeling inside me a long time after the movie ended, the spirit just stuck (in a totally good way!).  I'm honestly so much more excited about these (total of 5 movies) than I ever was about Harry Potter. (Special props for the movie music!) Gotta buy this when it comes out and watch it again.

After the movie we headed to Pasila to pick stuff (boooard game) up, and then went to Burger King. I had to get a milkshake as usual. Then we headed to the ultimate board game shop - Lautapelit. After that we just spent the last piece of time going in different shops and trying to find presents. To admit, there wasn't much time left. And at last but definitely not least, I just had to buy this tiny adorable hat for Kapsi (my childhood soft toy which will always remain in my shelf!). You can't say it doesn't look cute.

Overall, I had an amazing and compact day. Thx to brother for company!

Friday, 2 December 2016

Upcoming video(s)

First: tiny apology that the video(s) are going to be in Finnish. And second: 'cause this post is about them, I'm going to switch my language into Finnish aswell. Oops!

Näen ystävääni Saria taas tässä lähiaikoina, ja ajattelimme että voisimme pitkästä aikaa kokeilla tehdä kunnon videota. Toteutimme yhdessä videopostauksen kesällä 2012, josta yllätys yllätys on vierähtänyt jo tovi (video on itseasiassa vielä internetissä, ovelimmat teistä löytävät sen kyllä!). Yritimme kuvata uutta kesällä 2014, mutta siitä huolimatta että vietimme lattialla istuen kerskumatta varmaan kuusikin tuntia, päivänvalo kerkesi kadota, sillä emme vain millään voineet lopettaa nauramista.. Yritä siinä nyt sitten kuvata jotain (:D).

Ideana olisi tällä kertaa toteuttaa kysymyspotauksen sijaan Most Likely To tägi, mutta hieman omalla twistillä. Ketkä eivät tätä tägiä tunne, ideana on siis erilaiset kysymykset, joihin molemmat vastaavat samaan aikaan lappua (molemmilla on kaksi lappua joissa on oma- ja toisen nimi) pitämällä kumpi todennäköisemmin tekisi tämän asian. Esimerkki: Kumpi todennäköisemmin tippuisi ojaan? Ja paljastamme mielipiteen/tiedon lappua näyttämällä, ja mieluusti myös perustelemme vastauksemme, mikä on itsestäni ainakin se hauskin osuus mahdollisesti heräävän keskustelun takia. Omalla twistillä siten, että käytämme videossa alkuperäisten kysymysten lisäksi myös omiamme, sekä mahdollisesti myös teidän kysymyksiä.

Eli jos sinulla on joku asia, jonka haluaisit tietää tai yksinkertaisesti johon haluaisit nähdä aidon reaktiomme tämän Most Likely To tägin tiimoilta, heitä ihmeessä kommenttikenttään. Viimeinen päivä jolloin kysymykset varmasti ehtivät mukaan on 9.12., go!