Shadow of Subconsciousness

Saturday, 26 November 2016

Pain @Nosturi !

before - after the gig

One week ago I got to see Pain live. Honestly I have no words for the feeling which hit me when the guys walked to the stage. I strongly felt like I was part of something, that I wasn't alone. That feeling of being alone is just an illusion, 'cause there's so much life in this universe that it ain't genuinely possible. I felt the bass and every instrument inside me and shivered. The singer, Peter, sent a vibe of a strong figure and the main point: he sang really really well. Everyone played their part well, I bet they just were themselves. Even the new guy was super cool, I noticed him immediately when he appeared. He also did super crazy jump from the upper drinking area down to the crowd! The gig was amaazing, I'm really happy that I got to see one more of my all-time favorite bands (also Peter was wearing the straitjacket that I've always wanted to seeee and now I did!).

I also got to see Ember Falls! I really started to like them when I researched them a bit before the gig (and played their so far only song constantly). I just personally have a struggle for following live music performances, if I don't know the lyrics before hand, so I must admit that most of the stuff just flew over. But the guys still had a good vibe!

And I don't want to forget to mention my awesome gig company! This is actually the first picture ever that we've taken, so this is like super important:

Also here's tiny little clip from the gig. I didn't feel like filming much, since the crowd was pretty wild and the feeling there was so awesome that I just wanted to participate. But here's the clip:

Day that I don't want to forget.

Thursday, 24 November 2016

Swing of mind

In the morning I thought I'd write about the past weekend, the gig and all, but now I don't think I can do it. So I'm just going to write about this day instead. (Ya'll, it's after 12am again - just FYI, the date being all "wrong" once again!)

My sleeping pattern is someway "messed up", which just feels cozy. I know I can turn it over in a day if I want to. If I need to. I've never been a person who yearns regularities in life, I enjoy changes (note: social things are different). Changes have the taste of adventure in them.

Well, today was an indoor day for me. Nothing special planned, had an alarm to wake me up at 1pm. After playing one more prestige level in DbD last night I knew I probably wouldn't play much, didn't need to go out to buy more food if I didn't want to.. Nothing. I'd planned to just stay in bed and start reading a new book which I picked up from mail yesterday, as I somewhat did. I also had my phone next to me from the very beginning as I woke up.

I received a message from a friend in the morning when I was still at sleep, and as usual replied to it when I woke up. I pretty much kept chatting with him 'till he went to sleep some time ago. Well, generally as a chatting that lasted that long this ain't new at all, "wort of telling for", but our chat had a weird swing.

I met this guy at September(?) in 2014 for the first time. We've both had things in our life since then, obviously, since it was over two years ago. At one point we didn't see each other in 1 and half years (?!), but when we did, if I hadn't thought about the passed time before going to meet him, I don't think I honestly would've noticed any difference: except that we had grown as people - but my point is that the atmosphere was still the same. It was like we've just met yesterday.

The messages went to somewhat usual casual sort of teasing tone, and I got one teeny tiny vibe about one thing and started teasingly and repeatedly asking about it, referring to our previous conversation where we both said that we have one secret we wouldn't tell to one another. I thought it wouldn't be anything, since the current situation and it haven't been before, so why couldn't I tease him (as usual)? Well, it ended up being something and me dropping couple of tears and being all mixed up. We both said that the other has/have always had a special place in one's heart and will always continue having. At the end of this topic he asked is it a bad and/or weird time to ask me to visit him in the near future, since he's missed me and have thought about asking many times, and I told him that he's sweet of worrying that and of course it's not, and promised to visit him when our schedules meet.

What about my secret? It happened to be the same [as his].

After cooling down in the shower I properly got out of bed - it was almost 9pm. (Well, I had cooked and suchs before that, but I had took everything back to bed and continued spending my so-lazy-wednesday.) Now I'm on my PC, in my "pyjamas" and typing this down while listening to couple of new EPs I got. Also chatted to one close friend of mine (thank you for listening). Anyway, I wanted to welcome you into this day as well, while at the same time unwrapping this for myself. So, here's this.

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

The snow is full of sound

Silent evenings with candles all around, playing ps4 with my childhood buddy (stuffed animal..) Kapsi. Evenings on PC, being social, playing games etc. Casual evenings with walking company, even evening which lead to night which consisted Dominion and ultimate draw match. I think I've made a new friend around here, who seems really sweet (hi if you're reading this!). I've felt good lately. Oh, and that first pic is from around 2am on saturday-sunday night when I lost doodling to my face.. that's what went down in one minute! Pretty neat, huh? A very likely warpaint for the gig.

I've done a lot workout in the past two weeks, as I told a bit on the last post. My tummy has been feeling better except on this monday and yesterday it was a bit messed up, in the way that it just doesn't process the food enough and is vexed.. My physical being has been a bit weaker 'cause of that, as it tends to do when worse IBS times kicks in. But no matter, I just try to eat well and drink enough water. And if I don't imagine, my shoulders are lookin' a bit better already!

And for the mental healh update:

I did  a depression and a  general anxiety test earlier, which I both failed really badly - I barely got any numbers. I did a social anxiety test and officially heard the results today (if anyone is interested, it was pretty much this, just in Finnish etc.) and I got 94 points... I personally find this mildly hilarious. Imagine a situation where a person has been depressed all their life and at the age of 20 someone is like "heck, you actually have a depression!". Well, I feel the same with this - only that my depression is social anxiety. "Could you describe how long you think you've had symptoms like this?" "For so long as my memories go." "Which is..?" "From age 4-5 I guess?" The stare I got was priceless. So I could say I have Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and people should take me seriously, but we shall see will I. But yeah, as an update kinda thingy: this is pretty hilarious imo.

...The long-awaited saturday is soon at hand ♥!

+ I'm totally thrilled for the first supporting band, Ember Falls...

..these (Finnish!) dudes are something. This song is pure awesomness!

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Casual & snowy

Thermometer usually says around -5° these days, the snow came a week ago and weirdly haven't gone away as it usually does for the first times. I've even stayed some days fully at home, and I can't recall when was the last time I did that before the ~week I've now mostly been by myself.

In the past week I've started doing shoulder and (nowadays also) abdominal exercises more regularly and heavily, since I don't ever do my regular walks/joggings after the snow comes. I don't even start how good it feels when you can feel your arm muschles and with good luck also your tummy all day around. You just feel more slim (less swollen! huge comfort for me, a person with IBS) and energetic in general, at least that's what my workouts do for me. Body positivity is more high, since I realise I generally do good things for my body at the moment. Body dysphoria won't beat me in this run!

Today I saw my ex-coworker and we went for a walk for like one and half hours, which was really sweet since I rarely walk outside by myself for fun when it's snowy (my face and fingers freeze with time no matter what I do!). Waterside and nature in general looked really beautiful with this whiteness. ..Tomorrow I shall see Tau again, which is also going to be a blast. So I shall not live as a blanket burrito the whole day again just yet - and crawl out from the burrito to do the workouts.

Someday I shall write more thoughtful post about "the little things". I've lately been growing more and more into my sexual & gender-identity, which I feel like is worth mentioning. I feel like I do that everyday, but lately it has felt like a huge step again. I've also been doing stuff to help myself practise self care more regularly. Besides all that, some things still make me feel like a knot.

But overall, I've had a real good time lately.

Sunday, 6 November 2016

Language swap

It was three years ago when I last had my blog in English, and I actually pretty much enjoyed it back then.

Recently I've noticed I tend to mumble more when I'm writing in Finnish (maybe 'cause I know the vocabulary almost completely, so I have so much more to choose from?). I've even had struggles with writing, 'cause I feel like my texts aren't good or deep enough, like it's missing something and maybe that's why they become so much like lists (at least for me they seem to form that way). I've even avoided this sometimes and for sure skipped some ideas 'cause of it.

When I'm thinking about starting to write, or I'm in the middle of writing, a thought may come into my mind in English and I find it stuggling to have to erase it and pay more attention while trying to form it again and again in Finnish - it tends to make the writing more slow and laborious (surprise). Weirdly, I feel like this is more liberating style of writing for me, comes more naturally.

I guess the reason why I changed the language back into Finnish then, was the same it was trying to be now: to keep my Finnish writing skills in shape. But the stress of it.. it always comes back. I'm sorry to muddle things up again, but to be fair, all my other social media profiles has already and casually been in English for several years.

I want to point out that, surprisingly, my English ain't going to be perfect. Rare things in this world are anyway. But it's not the worst either, I hope. So I can keep writing and we both can keep reading this. Okay? Cool!

I also want to point out that my poems will always remain in Finnish. That's the thing I'm never going to give up. I'll be in touch with my language roots in that way. After all, I love Finnish language. I just.. my mind keeps thinking many everyday sentences in English for some reason. I'm the irritating guy at conversations who puts English here and there. So to avoid that for now on and to expand the amount of people who actually can read this blog: I'm changing this blog into English. And I think it's going to stick this time (there can be some full on Finnish posts sometimes, tho).

Opinions? Discussion?