Shadow of Subconsciousness

Saturday, 31 December 2016


When I still used makeup foundation half of the time, my crush at the time (+2 years ago) would ask me if I was tired every time he saw me without makeup. In my mind I hit my head against the wall and wondered doesn't he really see the real me - can the society be that easily tricked? After time passed by, I started to grow into my acne in a new level, even the redness on my pale skin didn't bother me anymore. I realized that in some weird way I categorize acne (stereotypically) "masculine".. So why cover it up? Besides if someone stares it more than my actual face, it's not my problem. At the end of the day, makeup foundation always felt like it dried my face even though it felt like a jar of butter at the same time, which just made me feel tired after hours of carrying it around. It wasn't worth of the effort anymore, to look just a bit more awake (to hide the dark circles under my eyes.. on pale skin it's kind of unavoidable at least when you stare screens as much as I do + sleep randomly). Nowadays I only use a bit of eye brow pencil when I feel active (sometimes),  eye liner in a pencil form (that my eyes doesn't start to burn, rarely, when I want my war paint on) and a cover up stick on top of my acne (~once in 2 months).

I know that even some men have hips (surprise!), so I shouldn't feel so conscious about mine, since I can even mold myself look quite gender-neutral without putting much effort into it. Well, my hair is stereotypically a big bloomer, but I try not to let that fact bother my inner feeling. With my stomach I know it does an awesome job processing food and keeping my organs in. Although IBS have made it feel/look more buffed on some days, I try my very best to accept it as the way it is. I honestly love the feeling when I get up on the morning realize it's completely flat - I still know it's under there, no matter how much it may hurt after I've eaten. I've strongly started to connect uncomfortable tummy feelings with pain and sadness, but luckily with that daily reminder I'm doing much better.

I guess it all comes down to my boobs. Yes, breast tissue, mostly the main dysphoric bodypart of a DFAB trans* individual. Luckily I have quite small boobs after all. You don't want to imagine the fear I had as an early teenager when I knew I'd get these (A cup, barely) from my dads side or D cup from moms side - luckily I got the first one, which I kept most likely anyway 'cause I look so much like my dad. As a non-binary, I think I can handle my dysphoria in most days now, but I still get it sometimes. I felt such a freedom when I piled all my bras that I've ever gotten (you'd be surprised by how few I actually had purchased during these years) from the back of my cabined and just got rid of them couple of months back. Now I only have one "half bra" for running - normally I use nothing or like "a top piece" under my shirt that my nipples don't shine through. I admit that I'd still be happy if I'd just wake up someday with a completely flat chest.

I'm so tired of society and it's norms of beauty. I want to be able to love my own body and with hand in hand also myself. Have to say, it's been a weird journey to realize it again that I'm actually more confident with myself when I'm not in a relationship. I guess in comparison I have more time to be alone with myself, and in that way kind of gain the comfort.

I try to do some working out to feel a bit more balanced with my shoulder area, and to feel good in general. I know my nerdy side ain't going anywhere, and I will be sitting in front of screens many hours a day. I know that from my varying eye pains that I get sometimes, the pain actually pushed me to start walking/running at the first year of trade school. It's really important to also do something else for the sake of some sort of balance. I also got tendon sheath inflammation to my right (mouse) arm later.. so yeah, now I know.

I want to learn to trust my body more. I want to learn not to get panicky so easily. I know I can trust my body quite much - but I also want to learn the boundaries and in which ways I can help it to feel better. Help myself feel better. I want to be thankful for my health even when I know it's not perfect anymore. My body still carries me everywhere and is very dear to me. No one should be especially hard on themselves. Why do we set boundaries so high to yourselves, and yet not for others?

How do you feel about your body right now?

Wednesday, 28 December 2016

Christmas 2016

haircut, done

Christmas went by, I had a pleasant time at brother's from 22th to 26th, we visited parent's 25th and went to watch Passengers after (the movie has one big secret which I did not expect, but after acknowledging that it was pretty predictable - amazingly fascinating but quite unpleasant to watch after all). We also played this veeery Christmasy game (the color scheme is so red so why not) called Mother Russia Bleeds (shares game mechanics with SEGA's Streets of Rage which is huge classic for me!). And of course a lot of Dead by Daylight, tried out the 10th Dominion expansion that brother got for me as a present and of course ate a lot of salmon and chocolate, even baked mince pies with flaky pastry and strawberry marmalade to fit my diet (IBS). Aand tried out a gluten free mud cake which ended up being way better than the usual!

 Thank you brother for the amazing Christmas.

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Flour and lots of letters

Hey world. I've done some changes into this blog, again, and now it actually feels like complete! I added ✏ Questbook back, it can be found on the top right corner of this page (on the white area!) if you wish to write something there. There's hardened logo of my poem site on the corner of the newest poem section (in exchange of this blog's dots), the Follow section looks a whole new level different and more or less teeny tiny things like that. Oh, and there's a cool thing under the main title (aka blog name), try and hover over it - it's translation and blog's main description at the same time. ;) Right now my ideas seem to be totally over, so I could pronounce this as somewhat ready! Ah, homey and cozy, ready for the upcoming year(s)!

I haven't posted a poem for like ~two weeks and that time seems like an eternity, but like a holiday, also. A nice holiday. I've been talking to one interesting and seemly nice fella to Stockholm three days now, and I translated couple of poems for him, since he couldn't read the weird Finnish I speak. I thought I'd also share one of 'em here right now:
In the Air

What if I'd press my nails through my palms
would try to breathe with the fishes
suppressed my mind
I'd pile the remains for a new
better version of myself

The accordion gets compressed together
the air escapes from the everyday as the last chord
of the rhythm of life

A black hole swallows us all
corrodes the contaminates of the exterior
with the first breath of the morning
we are all present again

(original: Ilmassa)

My dear friend Sari visited from friday to tuesday; we filmed the Most Likely To Tag once, but, eh, I don't think it's ever going to get published.. Sorry! We watched seven movies (including The Danish Girl which told the tale of a transgender woman!), tho. And baked muffins by using spelt floar instead of wheat flour that even I could eat them. And to be fair the flour was so soft and didn't taste weird at all in a muffin - the muffins ended up being absolutely delicious! Had a lovely time altogether.

I'm going to slide off from this blog again, end this writing here. I hope you like all the changes I've done, enjoyed the poem at least a little bit and hoped you could smell that delicious muffin.

Until next time, take care!

Friday, 9 December 2016

Howling winter

I haven't posted much about the "everyday life" of mine for a while. While writing about the gig I decided to write just about it, and afterwards totally forgot to write a post about the time surrounding it - the time I spend at brother's. My life ain't adventurous everyday, and that's why I tend not to write about every single day. But that doesn't mean I ain't doing anything. Being on PC or gaming, casually seeing a friend, working out or suchs.. what would I always tell about it all? Write every single conversation down? Review or every single thing that I watch or consume in general? I think then this blog would explode.

I think even tho I'm open for things being shared on the internet, and I tend to write openly.. But I never could keep track on everything I do - I'll always have life outside the virtual world. I sometimes even craving for it, I feel like I do too many things virtually. No matter how much things I want to share, you're never going to get it all. I hope these fragments are going to be enough for me and whoever wants to be part of this journey. I humbly welcome you.

This winter is going too fast, or at least I'm taking it in too slow. I haven't felt like sending Christmas cards this year, since at the end of the day I'm not such a big fan of this holiday. Yeap, deep down I'm one of those lame atheists. Besides, it comes after Halloween.. who wants to take those decorations down and change 'em to something colorful?

For me Christmas has always been a day or two spent surrounded by people who are close to me. When I lived at parent's, it was always Christmas with family. When big brother moved out, it was a day at home and day at his. Last Christmas my ex insisted that I spend the Christmas with him and his family - ended up being weird (for me) and I visited "home" (brother + parents) on the 27th and came back on the 31st (I always dreamed that when I move out, I want to spend the first New Years at my own place). I'm spending this Christmas entirely with my brother and we visit parents on 24th. Feeling good about the current plan.

Yeah.. What was I supposed to write when I opened this? Working out, gaming, internet, walks with friends, jamming with music, pizza making.. that's what I've been up to lately. And if someone notices tiny blog changes, I raise my hat for you!

Have a great weekend everyone. x

Picture explanation: 1. duck army, 2. my only  proper "Christmas decoration",
3. Lahti at night, 4. right side of my face + acne,
5. & 6. introducing you to my travel bag in more detail (bag itself introduced in July), 7. just laying

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Christmas moon day @Helsinki

Me and my brother decided to continue our "Christmas shopping tradition" this year. But we decided to start it with Fantastic Beasts! I saw the trailer when I visited cinema last time and got excited, but honestly didn't look anything up since. Well, it's kinda good, 'cause I didn't get to repeat the shit out of it and know all the lines from the (trailer) clips before even seeing the actual movie. I hoped the movie is going to be good.. And it was absolutely brilliant! Totally surprised me how good it actually was. I had a weird feeling inside me a long time after the movie ended, the spirit just stuck (in a totally good way!).  I'm honestly so much more excited about these (total of 5 movies) than I ever was about Harry Potter. (Special props for the movie music!) Gotta buy this when it comes out and watch it again.

After the movie we headed to Pasila to pick stuff (boooard game) up, and then went to Burger King. I had to get a milkshake as usual. Then we headed to the ultimate board game shop - Lautapelit. After that we just spent the last piece of time going in different shops and trying to find presents. To admit, there wasn't much time left. And at last but definitely not least, I just had to buy this tiny adorable hat for Kapsi (my childhood soft toy which will always remain in my shelf!). You can't say it doesn't look cute.

Overall, I had an amazing and compact day. Thx to brother for company!

Friday, 2 December 2016

Upcoming video(s)

First: tiny apology that the video(s) are going to be in Finnish. And second: 'cause this post is about them, I'm going to switch my language into Finnish aswell. Oops!

Näen ystävääni Saria taas tässä lähiaikoina, ja ajattelimme että voisimme pitkästä aikaa kokeilla tehdä kunnon videota. Toteutimme yhdessä videopostauksen kesällä 2012, josta yllätys yllätys on vierähtänyt jo tovi (video on itseasiassa vielä internetissä, ovelimmat teistä löytävät sen kyllä!). Yritimme kuvata uutta kesällä 2014, mutta siitä huolimatta että vietimme lattialla istuen kerskumatta varmaan kuusikin tuntia, päivänvalo kerkesi kadota, sillä emme vain millään voineet lopettaa nauramista.. Yritä siinä nyt sitten kuvata jotain (:D).

Ideana olisi tällä kertaa toteuttaa kysymyspotauksen sijaan Most Likely To tägi, mutta hieman omalla twistillä. Ketkä eivät tätä tägiä tunne, ideana on siis erilaiset kysymykset, joihin molemmat vastaavat samaan aikaan lappua (molemmilla on kaksi lappua joissa on oma- ja toisen nimi) pitämällä kumpi todennäköisemmin tekisi tämän asian. Esimerkki: Kumpi todennäköisemmin tippuisi ojaan? Ja paljastamme mielipiteen/tiedon lappua näyttämällä, ja mieluusti myös perustelemme vastauksemme, mikä on itsestäni ainakin se hauskin osuus mahdollisesti heräävän keskustelun takia. Omalla twistillä siten, että käytämme videossa alkuperäisten kysymysten lisäksi myös omiamme, sekä mahdollisesti myös teidän kysymyksiä.

Eli jos sinulla on joku asia, jonka haluaisit tietää tai yksinkertaisesti johon haluaisit nähdä aidon reaktiomme tämän Most Likely To tägin tiimoilta, heitä ihmeessä kommenttikenttään. Viimeinen päivä jolloin kysymykset varmasti ehtivät mukaan on 9.12., go!

Saturday, 26 November 2016

Pain @Nosturi !

before - after the gig

One week ago I got to see Pain live. Honestly I have no words for the feeling which hit me when the guys walked to the stage. I strongly felt like I was part of something, that I wasn't alone. That feeling of being alone is just an illusion, 'cause there's so much life in this universe that it ain't genuinely possible. I felt the bass and every instrument inside me and shivered. The singer, Peter, sent a vibe of a strong figure and the main point: he sang really really well. Everyone played their part well, I bet they just were themselves. Even the new guy was super cool, I noticed him immediately when he appeared. He also did super crazy jump from the upper drinking area down to the crowd! The gig was amaazing, I'm really happy that I got to see one more of my all-time favorite bands (also Peter was wearing the straitjacket that I've always wanted to seeee and now I did!).

I also got to see Ember Falls! I really started to like them when I researched them a bit before the gig (and played their so far only song constantly). I just personally have a struggle for following live music performances, if I don't know the lyrics before hand, so I must admit that most of the stuff just flew over. But the guys still had a good vibe!

And I don't want to forget to mention my awesome gig company! This is actually the first picture ever that we've taken, so this is like super important:

Also here's tiny little clip from the gig. I didn't feel like filming much, since the crowd was pretty wild and the feeling there was so awesome that I just wanted to participate. But here's the clip:

Day that I don't want to forget.

Thursday, 24 November 2016

Swing of mind

In the morning I thought I'd write about the past weekend, the gig and all, but now I don't think I can do it. So I'm just going to write about this day instead. (Ya'll, it's after 12am again - just FYI, the date being all "wrong" once again!)

My sleeping pattern is someway "messed up", which just feels cozy. I know I can turn it over in a day if I want to. If I need to. I've never been a person who yearns regularities in life, I enjoy changes (note: social things are different). Changes have the taste of adventure in them.

Well, today was an indoor day for me. Nothing special planned, had an alarm to wake me up at 1pm. After playing one more prestige level in DbD last night I knew I probably wouldn't play much, didn't need to go out to buy more food if I didn't want to.. Nothing. I'd planned to just stay in bed and start reading a new book which I picked up from mail yesterday, as I somewhat did. I also had my phone next to me from the very beginning as I woke up.

I received a message from a friend in the morning when I was still at sleep, and as usual replied to it when I woke up. I pretty much kept chatting with him 'till he went to sleep some time ago. Well, generally as a chatting that lasted that long this ain't new at all, "wort of telling for", but our chat had a weird swing.

I met this guy at September(?) in 2014 for the first time. We've both had things in our life since then, obviously, since it was over two years ago. At one point we didn't see each other in 1 and half years (?!), but when we did, if I hadn't thought about the passed time before going to meet him, I don't think I honestly would've noticed any difference: except that we had grown as people - but my point is that the atmosphere was still the same. It was like we've just met yesterday.

The messages went to somewhat usual casual sort of teasing tone, and I got one teeny tiny vibe about one thing and started teasingly and repeatedly asking about it, referring to our previous conversation where we both said that we have one secret we wouldn't tell to one another. I thought it wouldn't be anything, since the current situation and it haven't been before, so why couldn't I tease him (as usual)? Well, it ended up being something and me dropping couple of tears and being all mixed up. We both said that the other has/have always had a special place in one's heart and will always continue having. At the end of this topic he asked is it a bad and/or weird time to ask me to visit him in the near future, since he's missed me and have thought about asking many times, and I told him that he's sweet of worrying that and of course it's not, and promised to visit him when our schedules meet.

What about my secret? It happened to be the same [as his].

After cooling down in the shower I properly got out of bed - it was almost 9pm. (Well, I had cooked and suchs before that, but I had took everything back to bed and continued spending my so-lazy-wednesday.) Now I'm on my PC, in my "pyjamas" and typing this down while listening to couple of new EPs I got. Also chatted to one close friend of mine (thank you for listening). Anyway, I wanted to welcome you into this day as well, while at the same time unwrapping this for myself. So, here's this.

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

The snow is full of sound

Silent evenings with candles all around, playing ps4 with my childhood buddy (stuffed animal..) Kapsi. Evenings on PC, being social, playing games etc. Casual evenings with walking company, even evening which lead to night which consisted Dominion and ultimate draw match. I think I've made a new friend around here, who seems really sweet (hi if you're reading this!). I've felt good lately. Oh, and that first pic is from around 2am on saturday-sunday night when I lost doodling to my face.. that's what went down in one minute! Pretty neat, huh? A very likely warpaint for the gig.

I've done a lot workout in the past two weeks, as I told a bit on the last post. My tummy has been feeling better except on this monday and yesterday it was a bit messed up, in the way that it just doesn't process the food enough and is vexed.. My physical being has been a bit weaker 'cause of that, as it tends to do when worse IBS times kicks in. But no matter, I just try to eat well and drink enough water. And if I don't imagine, my shoulders are lookin' a bit better already!

And for the mental healh update:

I did  a depression and a  general anxiety test earlier, which I both failed really badly - I barely got any numbers. I did a social anxiety test and officially heard the results today (if anyone is interested, it was pretty much this, just in Finnish etc.) and I got 94 points... I personally find this mildly hilarious. Imagine a situation where a person has been depressed all their life and at the age of 20 someone is like "heck, you actually have a depression!". Well, I feel the same with this - only that my depression is social anxiety. "Could you describe how long you think you've had symptoms like this?" "For so long as my memories go." "Which is..?" "From age 4-5 I guess?" The stare I got was priceless. So I could say I have Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and people should take me seriously, but we shall see will I. But yeah, as an update kinda thingy: this is pretty hilarious imo.

...The long-awaited saturday is soon at hand ♥!

+ I'm totally thrilled for the first supporting band, Ember Falls...

..these (Finnish!) dudes are something. This song is pure awesomness!

Wednesday, 9 November 2016

Casual & snowy

Thermometer usually says around -5° these days, the snow came a week ago and weirdly haven't gone away as it usually does for the first times. I've even stayed some days fully at home, and I can't recall when was the last time I did that before the ~week I've now mostly been by myself.

In the past week I've started doing shoulder and (nowadays also) abdominal exercises more regularly and heavily, since I don't ever do my regular walks/joggings after the snow comes. I don't even start how good it feels when you can feel your arm muschles and with good luck also your tummy all day around. You just feel more slim (less swollen! huge comfort for me, a person with IBS) and energetic in general, at least that's what my workouts do for me. Body positivity is more high, since I realise I generally do good things for my body at the moment. Body dysphoria won't beat me in this run!

Today I saw my ex-coworker and we went for a walk for like one and half hours, which was really sweet since I rarely walk outside by myself for fun when it's snowy (my face and fingers freeze with time no matter what I do!). Waterside and nature in general looked really beautiful with this whiteness. ..Tomorrow I shall see Tau again, which is also going to be a blast. So I shall not live as a blanket burrito the whole day again just yet - and crawl out from the burrito to do the workouts.

Someday I shall write more thoughtful post about "the little things". I've lately been growing more and more into my sexual & gender-identity, which I feel like is worth mentioning. I feel like I do that everyday, but lately it has felt like a huge step again. I've also been doing stuff to help myself practise self care more regularly. Besides all that, some things still make me feel like a knot.

But overall, I've had a real good time lately.

Sunday, 6 November 2016

Language swap

It was three years ago when I last had my blog in English, and I actually pretty much enjoyed it back then.

Recently I've noticed I tend to mumble more when I'm writing in Finnish (maybe 'cause I know the vocabulary almost completely, so I have so much more to choose from?). I've even had struggles with writing, 'cause I feel like my texts aren't good or deep enough, like it's missing something and maybe that's why they become so much like lists (at least for me they seem to form that way). I've even avoided this sometimes and for sure skipped some ideas 'cause of it.

When I'm thinking about starting to write, or I'm in the middle of writing, a thought may come into my mind in English and I find it stuggling to have to erase it and pay more attention while trying to form it again and again in Finnish - it tends to make the writing more slow and laborious (surprise). Weirdly, I feel like this is more liberating style of writing for me, comes more naturally.

I guess the reason why I changed the language back into Finnish then, was the same it was trying to be now: to keep my Finnish writing skills in shape. But the stress of it.. it always comes back. I'm sorry to muddle things up again, but to be fair, all my other social media profiles has already and casually been in English for several years.

I want to point out that, surprisingly, my English ain't going to be perfect. Rare things in this world are anyway. But it's not the worst either, I hope. So I can keep writing and we both can keep reading this. Okay? Cool!

I also want to point out that my poems will always remain in Finnish. That's the thing I'm never going to give up. I'll be in touch with my language roots in that way. After all, I love Finnish language. I just.. my mind keeps thinking many everyday sentences in English for some reason. I'm the irritating guy at conversations who puts English here and there. So to avoid that for now on and to expand the amount of people who actually can read this blog: I'm changing this blog into English. And I think it's going to stick this time (there can be some full on Finnish posts sometimes, tho).

Opinions? Discussion?